Playing By Someone Else's Rules

Somewhere along the way, most of us picked up “rules” about how to handle life: Keep your head down. Work harder. Don’t complain. Push through.

Maybe those rules came from parents, teachers, bosses—or from the inner voices we’ve carried with us. Over time, we absorbed them because that’s how we were taught the world worked. They were the rules of the game we first learned at home, in classrooms, or in early jobs.

The thing is, those rules were made for a different game. They don’t always fit the pace, pressure, and unpredictability of the life we live today.

And these rules can lead to difficult consequences:

• Keep your head down → Staying invisible. You avoid conflict or attention, but your ideas, needs, and achievements get overlooked.

  
  

• Work harder → Burning out. Pushing nonstop can feel productive in the moment, but long-term it erodes energy, health, and motivation.

  
  

• Don’t complain → Bottling up stress. Suppressing concerns may avoid conflict temporarily, but it increases anxiety, resentment, and tension, damaging relationships and mental health.

  
  

• Push through → Ignoring your limits. Forcing yourself to keep going risks mistakes, accidents, and serious health consequences because your body and mind need recovery.

  
  

Yet so many of us still carry them around like they’re law. The difference now? You get to decide which rules to keep, which to bend, and which to throw out entirely. Your game, your move.

Recognizing When the Old Rules Hold You Back

I see it all the time with clients. They try to “push harder” through stress. They pile on “shoulds” because that’s what they were taught. They beat themselves up for not getting everything done.

And then the breaking point comes—when their body revolts, their emotions shut down, or they finally realize the rulebook they’ve been following isn’t working.

That’s usually the moment they say, “Something has to change.”

woman sitting by a window

Learning the New Rules

Here’s what I’ve learned after years of working with people who feel like they’re drowning:

• Awareness matters more than hustle. You can’t manage stress you don’t notice.

  
  

• Compassion beats criticism. Beating yourself up doesn’t build resilience—it erodes it.

  
  

• Flexibility outperforms control. Life will throw curveballs. You don’t need more rigidity; you need the ability to pivot.

  
  

The old stress rules taught us: grind harder, earn your worth, and never slow down. The new rules say: pause, reflect, choose intentionally, and honor your limits.

Mastering the New Game

When you start living by these new rules, stress doesn’t disappear—but you stop being at its mercy.

Instead of reacting to every demand, you get to respond with clarity. Instead of drowning in “shoulds,” you learn to choose what actually matters.

The inner critic might still whisper the old rules (“Don’t be lazy,” “Do more,” “You're letting them down”). But you don’t have to play that game anymore.

And ironically when you stop following outdated rules, you actually win more often. You build energy instead of burning it. You create real security—the kind that comes from being grounded, not just busy.

Letting go to gain control

The Choice You’re Making

Every day you follow the old stress rules, you’re choosing survival mode over growth.

The real choice isn’t whether to manage stress—it’s whether you’ll do it on your terms or keep playing by rules that were never meant for you in the first place.

Maybe it’s time to stop letting stress call the plays. Maybe it’s time to create your own rulebook.

So here’s the question to ask yourself: What old rule about stress have I been following that no longer serves me—and what new rule do I want to play by instead?

And if you’re tired of doing all the emotional heavy lifting on your own—this is exactly the kind of thing I help my clients with.

You don’t have to power through.

You can pause, process, and still rise stronger.

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