The Relationship That Changes Everything

We spend so much time trying to improve the parts of our life we can see — our schedules, our bodies, our plans, our habits.

However, the true work needs to happen elsewhere, at a deeper level, within the relationship we have with ourselves because that is the relationship that changes everything.

For years, mine was built on pressure, performance, and a very narrow definition of “enough.”

The Mirror and the Desk — Two Versions of the Same Story

For a long time, I thought my biggest struggle was my body.

I’d stand in front of the mirror and do that familiar scan. (maybe you know the one) It's filled with judgment, disappointment, a running tally of what I should’ve done differently that week. It didn’t matter whether I had gained or lost or stayed exactly the same. My internal grade stayed harsh.

But the same pattern was playing out at work, and I didn’t see it at the time.

I was the one who showed up early, stayed late, said yes, carried extra, and pushed harder. I wasn't trying to impress anyone, it was just that I had tied my worth so tightly to being indispensable that if I wasn’t overperforming, I worried I was underperforming.

Two different things, same rule: You are only as good as your latest result.

My discipline and work ethic were always on point but I used them to also try to fix myself. I believed that if I could work hard enough, follow the plan well enough, control my habits tightly enough, I could finally earn the feeling of being “good enough.”

So I doubled down. At work. With my body. Everywhere.

And when I slipped — even just a little — I was a jerk to myself. And never stopped saying... "You should be better by now!"

I didn’t realize it then, but I was using the same strategy in both places: Push harder. Be tougher. Demand more. Control harder. Don’t let up.

And it never worked.

The Cost of Treating Yourself Like a Project

Here’s what I couldn’t see back then.

I wasn’t struggling with discipline. In fact, my discipline was exceptionally strong. I even got compliments about it.

I was struggling with the belief that I needed to prove my worth and discipline was the tool to make that happen.

That belief kept me in a constant cycle of pressure—with my weight, with my job, with myself.

Every time I “failed,” even slightly, I saw it as a personal flaw. Not being human. Not a cue to adjust. A flaw. An "I'm wrong" moment.

And when worth depends on perfection, you can never rest. You can never celebrate. You can never breathe.

There’s always something you should be doing better.

And that’s exactly where I lived for a long time until life threw more and more at me and I burnt out.

The Real Turning Point

When I was in full burnout mode I felt numb in a place I loved, for the work I did, and the people around me. I knew there was a problem when I couldn't find joy in the things that usually felt like magic. I remember the moment clearly when my world felt bleak and I no longer wanted to strive for more or even be there at all.

That wasn't like me! I have always wanted to 'get to the next level' but now I found myself so beat down that everything felt wrong. It took some real self reflecting and I remember saying, " this is serious, you have to be honest about this, and there is no room for judging it anymore--this is too far gone now."

What I found was somewhere along the way my discipline had reinforced some bad habits and underlying beliefs that got louder and louder. While it did serve a purpose and helped me accomplish a ton of stuff, it also was paired with a side of 'you suck' and that was the problem. I realized that the way I spoke to myself was appalling in any other light. If people heard the conversations I had with myself, they would assume I was the most hateful person on the planet. And maybe I was. I did hate that I never felt good enough no matter what I did. I never even knew what I was trying to reach most of the time, only that I didn't reach 'it.'

So after that discovery I worked very hard to change my relationship with myself because I no longer wanted to be with that angry tyrant anymore. It took discipline again. I had to consciously hear the mean girl and redirect her. I had to set up boundaries with myself. One of them was, if I look in the mirror I can only say nice things.

And from there I added more and more until I found some proof that this new way worked. And It did.

The days I spoke to myself with a little more kindness?

• I didn't push so hard.

• I felt more relaxed.

• I felt more like myself.

• I was finding joy again.

When I wasn’t bracing for criticism or chasing worth through achievement, I did better. I thought more clearly. I made more grounded decisions. I took bigger leaps of faith and I believed in myself.

It completely contradicted what I had believed for so long — that love, worth, and self-approval were things I had to earn. That I needed to look a certain way or perform at a certain level to deserve them. And kindness didn’t make me lazy, it created a steady foundation.

And that was confusing, because it went against everything I had believed. I had always assumed that being hard on myself was necessary, productive even. I thought self-criticism kept me on track.

Instead, it was wearing me down.

But that belief system was the real problem. Not my willpower. Not my weight. Not my plans. Not my discipline.

It was the way I was relating to myself.

The Relationship Beneath It All

I recognize this in so many women I meet now.

We are taught how to work hard. We are taught how to push. We are taught how to perform.

Rarely does anyone teach us how to be in relationship with ourselves.

Yet that relationship quietly shapes everything:

• How we talk to ourselves when we mess up

• How much compassion we offer when we’re overwhelmed

• How willing we are to try again after a setback

• How we handle stress, uncertainty, and change

It’s the backdrop of every choice and the most influential relationship we’ll ever have.

It took me a long time to accept that discipline works better when it comes from care, not punishment.

Small Steps

Let’s be honest: “love yourself” can feel like a lot. And while I did love me and would declare that I loved myself; I did not know how to treat myself with the loving kindness I would give to others.

If someone had told me years ago to “just love myself,” I would have snarled and walked away. "Whatever! I do love myself!"

I couldn't jump from self-criticism to self-love in one leap.

Most people can’t.

But I could be honest and I could look at the basic kindness I offered everyone else and 'try it out' for myself.

That small shift mattered. It opened a door I didn’t know existed.

Being kind to yourself is often the beginning.

Being gentler with yourself is often the beginning.

Speaking to yourself with respect — even when you’re frustrated — is often the beginning.

A loving relationship grows from that kind of soil.

A Note about Worth, It's Not Earned

It's not a performance metric!!!

It’s not tied to:

• your weight

• your productivity

• your ability to hold everything together

• your work ethic

• your discipline

• your perfect choices

  
  

Worth doesn’t rise and fall with results.

It doesn’t disappear when you rest.

It doesn’t grow when you grind.

It isn't conditional!

It’s inherent. It’s already there. It just gets buried under old stories. Stories we outgrew long ago or were never ours in the first place.

This shift changed everything for me, and it changes everything for the people I coach.

When you stop trying to earn your own love, something unlocks.

You stop performing. You stop hustling for approval. You stop fighting yourself.

And you start building a relationship with yourself that feels steady and honest.

So Where Do You Start?

If you’re stuck in the same cycle of beating yourself up over anything you do, start here:

1. Notice Your Tone

Catch the way you talk to yourself. Is it harsh? Blunt? Dismissive? Would you use that tone with someone you care about?

If not, start with small kindnesses like "I did everything I could," "I am human," "It's ok to be tired."

2. Stop treating yourself like a project.

You are not something to be fixed.

Instead of “What’s wrong with me?” try: “What do I need right now?”

It shifts you from judgment to curiosity.

3. Reframe the Setback

Missing a workout, losing momentum, feeling unmotivated — these aren’t character flaws. They’re information.

• You’re allowed to have limits.

• You’re allowed to recalibrate.

  
  

4. Thank Your Body for Something Real

For letting you breathe, hug, laugh, get through your day. It's doing really hard work all. the. time.

5. Build Personal Boundaries

Something small that says, “I’m on my own side” and "I won't abandon myself anymore."

A kinder sentence. A moment of permission.

Small kindnesses rewire the relationship slowly but powerfully.

The Relationship That Actually Changes Everything

My weight didn’t change everything. My job didn’t change everything. Discipline didn’t change everything.

The only thing that did, I stopped abandoning myself.

And once I did, everything else — my habits, my choices, my energy, my confidence — began to shift from the inside out.

The relationship you build with yourself is the one that determines how you move through every other part of your life.

It’s the foundation.

It’s the anchor.

It’s the one relationship that truly changes everything.

And that changed the way I approached my health, my confidence, my stress, my boundaries, and my entire sense of who I was becoming.

You don’t have to wake up feeling confident and enlightened and perfectly aligned.

You just have to stay in relationship with yourself. Be supportive. Be respectful. Show up. Listen. Be kinder than you were yesterday.

That’s what relationship is and how it really does change everything.

And if you’re tired of doing all the emotional heavy lifting on your own—this is exactly the kind of thing I help my clients with.

You don’t have to power through.

You can pause, process, and still rise stronger.

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